I have a confession to make.... I have been in Uganda for almost three weeks, and I don't know what I am doing here.
This is what I have been struggling with for the past few weeks. I came to Uganda expecting to fall in love with every person I met and everything about the country. God told me to come here, so surely I am suppose to love everything right? I have been praying about this off and on since we got here, and today God really showed up in a big way in my life.
Since I have been here I have not personally led anyone to Christ. I have not saved an orphaned child off the street. I have not fed a starving person. Not because there is no need for that here, but because I have been refusing to open my eyes to it. Some people have called Eric and I brave for coming to a country that neither one of us had ever been to, and living here for a year. If you want to know the truth, I feel the complete opposite of brave. I have been fearful ever since we got here. Not fearful of getting sick or getting kidnapped by some village people or squashed by a hippo, but scared of falling in love with Uganda.
I have realized that I have many selfish desires that have been getting in the way of what God really wants to do through me. I want to live in America, I want to have my children and their cousins playing in my backyard, I want my parents to be able to spoil my children, I want to sit at my sons little league baseball games, I want to be able to take a hot shower whenever I want, I want to wear shorts, and I want to get in my own car and drive somewhere. All of these little things have stopped what God has wanted to do for the last few weeks. It is because of these things that I did not want to fall in love with Uganda. I was scared that if I fell in love with this place then I would never leave, I would miss out on so much. I wish I could say that I was reading my bible and God showed me a scripture that spoke to me and changed my view on life, but that is not the case. I am almost embarrassed to say it but what changed my view on life today was a movie.....don't laugh.....The Lord of the Rings. There is a quote that jumped out to me, and it really sank deep into my heart.
Frodo: "I wish none of this had happened." Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
I know you are probably thinking "Geez Kimberly, calm down. You were not asked to risk your life to save all of man kind like Frodo was." You are right, I was not asked to risk my life for man kind. But there have been times that I wish God had not asked me to do this. I wish neither mine or Eric's parents had to miss us. I wish I did not have to miss them. There are times "I wish none of this had happened." I struggle with not only wishing this had not happened, but then also feeling guilty for wishing that. The last part of the quote is what stuck out the most. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Although it was Gandalf speaking, I heard God. I really felt him tug on my heart and basically tell me that I am not taking advantage of the time he has given me, and that I am letting fear take control. He has blessed Eric and I with a whole year in Uganda, he has not asked us to live here forever yet Satan put that fear in my heart. He also revealed to me that all HE wants is my whole heart. He wants me to obey him and do what he has asked. He did not ask me to come to Uganda so that I could live in fear of being asked to stay here. He asked me to come here and show the people his love. Once this was revealed to me I started praying and God answered.
Today I was sitting on the playground with some of the students, when I noticed a little girl who was not walking very well. Once I looked closer, I realized that she had a very infected wound on her foot. It covered most of the top part of her foot. There is a clinic at the school, but most people say they have never seen it opened because there are no supplies. I thought I would give it a shot, so I carried the girl to the clinic. When I got there, the door was opened and two missionaries from Australia were working. When I showed them the girls foot they called a lady from another room over to take care of her. I sat there and watched the little girl sit there very calmly as they carefully cleaned off the puss that was oozing from the wound and peel away pieces that had scabbed over. She barely flinched when they poured the disinfecting liquid onto the wound. They then slowly bandaged her up, and asked me to bring her back tomorrow.
I know I did not do any huge miraculous healing, but I did something. I saw someone in need and did what God asked me to do. I was open to falling in love with this little six year old girl. I wasn't scared that I may adopt her or stay in Uganda to be with her. I decided to use the time God had given me and do something with it.
I know some of you are probably disappointed that I have not done more than that. That I did something that any humane person should do. But for me it was a big step, I overcame my fear of falling in love with the people. I guess what this whole blog is really about is that sometimes we obey God but we are so scared that he might ask us to do something even more difficult that we are fearful to ever give him our whole heart.
"Have I not commanded you? be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go," Joshua 1:9