As a girl that has had God in my life for as long as I can remember, sometimes I forget that I still have to pursue God. Many times I get so comfortable with him being there when I need him that I stop chasing him, and slowly, day after day he is a little bit further away from me. It is a gradual process that most of the time I don't even notice. Once I do notice the change, I realize it because I have pushed him so far away that I can't see him anymore. All of a sudden I need him and I keep praying and asking for help but I hear nothing. I get frustrated that he isn't there anymore and that he is ignoring me! Then once I get over my frustration, I shamefully admit to myself that I caused this to happen. I pushed God out of my life, but then expected Him to be there. I expected to hear his voice like I had before, but I had forgotten what His voice sounded like. I didn't mean to push Him out, it wasn't like I wanted him gone. It was more like I was fine without him, I wasn't starving or freezing or sick. Once I got to Africa I NEEDED him bad, and I couldn't find him...
I'm giving you my heart to break again
Oh I'm leaving you a way to get back in
Return to me --NeedToBreathe
This was a song that I was listening to today, and it really grabbed my attention. You would almost think by reading those few lines that it was some breakup song that Adele wrote after a failed relationship. I guess in a way it is describing a relationship that has fallen apart, but this is not about a boy who broke my heart it is about my heavenly father that I pushed away.
Like I said at the beginning of this, I did not push God away on purpose. I did not turn my back on him. I just thought I could do things on my own, in a way it was almost like I didn't want to bother him. The more I realized that I was not recognizing God in my everyday life the more I started to pursue him. The first line of that song is where it all starts, "I'm giving you my heart to break again" I had to give him my heart again. I posted in my last blog about how I was scared to fall in love with Uganda. To avoid falling in love with this country I did not allow God to break my heart, I never fully gave him my heart in fear that he may break it. I didn't want my heart to break for this place. But if God does not have my heart then it is impossible for our relationship to grow, just like any relationship.
The next line is where the biggest change has come "Oh I'm leaving you a way to get back in". Once God filled my heart with his presence everything changed. While reading a book I had a revelation. Many of you may have realized this a long time ago but it was new to me....
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.1 John 4:7-8
I had heard and read the scripture many times and always thought I fully understood it but I read it in a new way this week. I always just thought it meant that God is loving and when you know God then you know what love is. But when I read it this week it meant when I love others, I know who God is. "God is love" this made me see God in a whole new way. I always thought the in order for me to be close to God, I had to sit in a quiet place in my house, read the bible for 30 minutes, and then listen to see if God had anything to say. When I read this verse, I realized that if I am in the presence of love than I am in the presence of God because, God is love. So, when I am loving other people, I am showing them God. I had always heard people say things similar to this, but I guess I never fully understood it. All I have to do is love in order to feel Gods presence.
Once I realized this, I began to notice a change in my everyday life. I began to feel God's presence throughout my whole day. I know God is always with us, but the more I love the more I feel him with me. The more I love, the more I return to Him, and He returns to me.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.1 John 4:11